Tuesday, October 13, 2009

NEWS: Tonight We Dine In Hell...Or Instead, Fox Parts The Seas For Moses Re-telling...


Yeah, that headline is confusing, but just go with me.

Variety is reporting that the same team who is currently working on the graphic-novel style take on Moby Dick for Universal (to be directed by Timur Bekmambetov), have sold a pitch to Fox, based on the idea of re-telling the tale of Moses, all while doing it in the style of 300, or as /Film put it:

Yep, Moses will soon be using the stone tablets bearing God’s laws to knock heads in at a theatre near you. The Bear Jew? Guy’s a pussy compared to this Moses.

The Variety report is based on a pre-preemptive pitch purchase at Fox. Starting with “his near death as an infant to his adoption into the Egyptian royal family, his defiance of the Pharaoh and deliverance of the Hebrews from enslavement.”

Here is how Variety puts it:

The Moses story will be told using the same green screen strategy as "300," so it will feel more like that pic or "Braveheart" than "The Ten Commandments,” the 1956 Cecil B. DeMille film.

The popular mythical and magical elements inherent in the Book of Exodus will be there--including the plagues visited upon Egypt and the parting of the Red Sea--but the Cooper & Collage version will also include new elements of Moses’ life that the writers culled from Rabbinical Midrash and other historical sources.


This idea is completely off my radar. Not only is it a Fox project, so until they prove to me that they can make something worth my time, the benefit of the doubt will not be theirs, but the idea of a 300-style film has me cringing in my gladiator sandals. I loathe that film like a Spartan father does his mentally handicapped midget spawn, and the thought of a ruggedly attractive moses parting the Red Sea in some sort of Zack Snyder meets Roland Emmerich love child, CGI-infested hell child, has me wanting to shove a coat hanger up that plans vagina a.s.a.p. Also, the next biblical story that I want to see put to screen, the only one I want to see at this point in time is Aronofsky's Noah's Ark, and until then, don't come a knocking at this door.

That all said, I do totally understand the appeal of this idea. Take a biblical tale, throw rivers of blood in it, and give it a gritty, video-game kind of look to it, and you will easily have a hit on your hand, and one that I will inevitably see. Such is the way of running a film site. However, it's a thought that intrigues me about as much as the thought of getting a reach around from an Asian midget with three arms. Yeah, about as appealing.

Go see something good!

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